When Silence Hurts Your Relationship
Have you ever been upset with your partner but decided not to say anything? Maybe you thought, “It’s not a big deal,” or “I don’t want to start a fight.” So, you swallowed your feelings, pushed the thought away, and went on with your day.
At first, it feels like the right thing to do. You avoid tension, keep the peace, and don’t have to explain yourself. But here’s the tricky part: emotions don’t just disappear when we ignore them. They stay in our body and mind until they find a way out — and usually, that way out is not very pretty.
Why We Keep Quiet
There are a few reasons we choose silence over speaking up. For some of us, it’s about fear — fear of conflict, fear of rejection, fear of hearing something we don’t want to hear. Others grew up in families where expressing anger or sadness wasn’t safe. Maybe you were told “don’t be dramatic” or “good kids don’t talk back.” As adults, you might still carry that message: it’s safer to stay quiet.
Another reason is exhaustion. Life is busy, and when you get home after a long day, the last thing you want is a heavy emotional conversation. So, you tell yourself it’s not worth it, you try to let it go — but it stays with you.
Sometimes we don’t even have words for what we feel. Psychologist Susan David, in her book Emotional Agility, explains that when we can’t name our emotions clearly, we often get stuck in them. Instead of saying “I feel disappointed,” we might just feel heavy or irritated without understanding why. Naming what’s going on is the first step to working through it.
The Cost of Bottling Things Up
Silence may seem harmless, but it comes with a price. The more we hide our emotions, the more distance grows between us and our partner. That distance shows up in subtle ways — a colder tone, pulling away physically, or snapping at small things that wouldn’t normally bother you.
Over time, resentment builds. And when the emotions finally come out, they often explode over something small, leaving both partners confused. “Why are you so angry about this little thing?” they might ask — not realizing this moment was just the tip of the iceberg.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner writes in The Dance of Connection that silence can become its own form of disconnection. We think we’re protecting the relationship by not speaking up, but what we’re really doing is starving it of honesty and intimacy.
How to Break the Pattern
The good news? You can change this pattern — gently, without turning every small frustration into an argument.
Pause and get curious about your feelings.
Instead of pushing your upset away, take a few minutes alone to notice what’s really happening. Are you sad? Hurt? Angry? Disappointed? Often there’s a softer feeling underneath the irritation — like loneliness or fear. Naming it can calm your body and make it easier to talk about.
2. Choose the right moment.
Bringing up feelings during an argument or when one of you is rushing out the door almost guarantees more conflict. Wait for a calmer moment, then say something like, “Hey, there’s something I’ve been holding onto. Can we talk about it tonight?”
3. Use clear, kind language.
Instead of blaming, focus on your own experience. Try:
“When you forgot to call, I felt unimportant. I’d like us to check in with each other more.”
This keeps the conversation about your feelings, not your partner’s flaws.
4. Start small.
If you’re not used to sharing emotions, begin with something minor and see how your partner responds. This builds trust on both sides.
5. Repair when things go wrong.
Even with the best intentions, some conversations will get messy. A simple repair like, “I got defensive earlier, but what I really wanted to say is…” can reopen the door and prevent resentment from sticking.
Final Thoughts
Keeping your feelings inside might feel like the “mature” thing to do, but over time it often makes love feel less safe, not more. Healthy relationships aren’t built on avoiding conflict — they’re built on learning how to share feelings in a way that brings you closer.
Next time you notice yourself going silent, take it as a signal. Your emotion is knocking on the door, asking to be seen and heard. You don’t have to answer perfectly — just answer.