How Victimhood Can Secretly Control Your Relationship
When Your Partner Always Becomes the “Victim”
We’ve all been there — you gather the courage to tell your partner something that’s bothering you. Maybe they’ve been distant lately, maybe they forgot something important, or maybe you just need more support. You speak up, hoping to work together to solve the issue. But instead of listening, they crumble into a puddle of hurt feelings. Suddenly, you find yourself comforting them, apologizing for even bringing it up, and the original problem never gets addressed.
Sound familiar? This is what happens when a partner habitually slips into the victim role during conflict.
It can feel like hitting a wall over and over. You start wondering if it’s even worth sharing your needs. After a while, you may stop speaking up altogether — not because everything is fine, but because it feels too exhausting to have every conversation turn into a drama.
Why Some People Play the Victim
The “victim role” isn’t always intentional. Most of the time, it’s a defense mechanism. People who default to victimhood often carry deep wounds from childhood or past relationships. They might have grown up feeling unheard or blamed unfairly, so when you express a concern, it feels to them like an attack — even if you’re speaking gently.
Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly that shame triggers can make us defensive, small, and reactive. If your partner feels shame when they’ve disappointed you, their nervous system might go straight into “I’m the worst person ever” mode. And once they are there, they can’t stay present with your feelings — they are too consumed by their own pain.
Some partners avoid conflict not by fighting, but by collapsing. They cry, shut down, or turn the conversation into a monologue about how bad they feel. It looks like vulnerability, but it can actually block connection because your voice disappears in the process.
The Emotional Cycle
Here’s what often happens:
You share a concern.
Your partner reacts with hurt or guilt. They may say things like, “I can never do anything right,” or “You’re always mad at me.”
You switch roles. Now you’re reassuring them, “No, no, you’re not that bad!”
The original issue gets lost. Nothing changes, and resentment quietly builds.
This cycle can make you feel lonely in your relationship because your needs never really land.
What You Can Do
This doesn’t mean you have to stop bringing things up. But it does mean you need a new strategy. Here are some ways to shift the dynamic without falling into the same trap:
1. Slow Down Before You Speak
Choose a calm moment — not in the middle of a fight, not when they’re already stressed. You want their nervous system to be open enough to actually hear you.
2. Lead with Connection
Start by affirming the relationship. For example:
“I love being with you, and there’s something I need to share so we can keep feeling close.”
This makes it clear that your goal isn’t to attack but to grow together.
3. Stick with Your Feelings
Use “I” statements and describe your inner experience:
“When you cancel our plans last minute, I feel lonely and unimportant.”
This keeps the focus on your feelings rather than their flaws.
4. Don’t Get Pulled Off Track
If your partner slips into victim mode, take a breath. Acknowledge their feelings, but gently guide the conversation back:
“I hear that you feel bad. I want to talk about this so we can both feel better next time.”
5. Set Boundaries Around Resolution
If every conversation ends with you comforting them, let them know that you need balance:
“I care about how you feel, but I also need space for my feelings to be heard.”
A Note of Compassion
It’s tempting to label a partner like this as “manipulative,” but often it’s not a conscious choice. They may genuinely feel crushed by criticism because of old wounds. If both partners are willing, couples therapy can be a safe space to break this pattern.
And if they aren’t willing to work on it, you may need to consider how much silence you’re willing to live with. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs — and healthy love allows space for both.